Guest Post: The Baby Name Rules

I'm fascinated with baby names -- not just what people name their children, but where those names come from, how naming patterns move through communities, how cultures create rules and rituals for naming. I always read the baby announcements in the paper, eagerly await the yearly Social Security names index, and have read books on baby names just for kicks.

Henry David - too cool for rules from Day 1

That's why I'm delighted to share with you this guest post, from my friend Savannah at Preconceived Notions. I've mentioned her and her fabulous food blog, Appetite, before, and I'm excited to bring some attention to her newest project of blogging with wit and snark through "life, marriage, pregnancy, and motherhood" as well -- because those are all things I'm kind of involved in (or in the case of pregnancy, have been involved in) too, you know.

I loved the post you're about to read, and I hope you do too. I also hope you enjoy arguing with it! Because while I wholly support the rules that would discourage the names Promise, Field, and Tree (yes, I have known people by all those names!), I have broken the Obvious Clause of the Literature/Pop Culture section myself. (Complex, these rules ...)

So read on and share your thoughts on The Baby Name Rules!

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The Baby Name Rules

I'm already being asked by people if we're thinking about baby names. I find that pretty funny, seeing as how I'm not pregnant, people expect me to already have named my not-yet-conceived spawn. And yes, actually, we have. At least, if we have a boy first. If we have a girl, we're fairly clueless. This is all assuming I manage to get pregnant and then give birth to a child that looks like the name we picked out.

I've had many friends give birth in recent years, and baby name selection has ranged in difficulty — from friends who knew what their kid was named from the minute sperm met egg to those who didn't name their child for several days after birth, and even a friend who is still luke-warm about her child's moniker.

Now, as a copy editor, I see baby names all the time — especially in the weekly "birth" announcements. I think this makes me qualified to pass on some advice to all parents out there who are considering naming a child.

1. Watch your parts of speech: If English was tough for you, allow me to spell it out:

• Don't name your baby a verb: Verbs, as you recall, are "action words." Present or past-tense verbs apply. For example, "Drew" is not a good baby name. Neither is "Sting." When selecting a name, ask yourself, "Can I use this word in a sentence and have it mean "doing something" or "did something"? If the answer is yes, you can not use that as a baby name.

• Don't name your baby an adjective: Adjectives, for those of you bad at madlibs, are description words. "Blue," "yellow," "fat," all of these are adjectives. So is "Rusty," "Dusty," and "Porky." Other adjective baby names that are off limits include "Sunny," "Strong," etc. Possible exception: "Harry."

2. Activities are not child names: You know what I'm talking about. The guy who names his kid "Hunter" because it's his favorite hobby. Or "Rider" (the variation Ryder may be acceptable, unless you're a rodeo fanatic and you're doing it on purpose). Along those lines, "Fisher," is out. I shouldn't have to include such things as "Gunner," "Archer" or "Digger", but obviously I do.

3. Name brands are for stuff, not for babies: You cannot name your child after a car — If you name your daughter Mercedes or Porsche, are you trying to imply that she is fast? Because if she grows up to be a hooker, you have no one but yourself to blame. Naming your kid for a product is objectification in the worse sense, and no, you likely will not get sponsorship. And what happens if that product sucks or goes away? Can you imagine the trauma if a bunch of parents had named their kid "New Coke"? Where would they be now?

3a. Likewise, don't name your kids after objects: Apple, Berry, Puma, etc. I could generally say, don't name your kid after nouns, but there are some exceptions (see below). In general, food isn't a good name for a kid. Neither is an animal. 

4. Replacing vowels with a "y" does not make your kid special: If you want to give your child a common name, just give them a common name. Don't try to muck it up by adding Y's or silent H's. You will only traumatize them in preschool when they have to learn to spell it. And if you're concerned about your kid being in school with a million other Aiden's, don't name your baby Aiden. Don't think naming it "Ayedaen" is going to change a thing. It's pronounced the same, and you still suck as a parent. Possible acceptable variation: Hayley. Though only barely. Hailey is still how everyone else in the world is going to try to spell it. Just make it easy on your kid. Remember how many times they are going to have to try to explain the spelling of their names to every government, local, state agency and utility company for the rest of their lives. Other than "Aiden/Ayden/etc", the worse variation of this is "Corban," which is a perfectly delightful name, except as "Corbyn," "Corbin," etc...

Exception: Ethnic variations in spelling are acceptable (Jacob/Jakob), but see Rule 6. 

5. Don't name your kid after geographic features, pieces of the earth or weather: "Rock," "Stone," "Butte,""Rain," "Snow," "Rainbow," "Plateau," "Peak," "Water," "Valley" ... The only possible exception to this rule is "River," and you better be hippy and really into the earth.

6. Don't give your child an ethnic name, unless you're ethnic: The only variation to the car-name rule is "Portia," an honest-to-god Italian name, pronounced as the car is. But if you're doing this, you better be Italian. And not just "my great-great-third-aunt lived in Rome for 5 years." There is a two-generation removal limit for ethnic names (it had to be your grandparents, and they better have gotten here on a boat or on the back of a horse and they still spoke their native language and refused to assimilate). It helps if people can take one look at your nose and say, "Oh yeah, she's totally Italian," or whatever. The ethnicity rule is also moot if you lived in that country for more than three years and were there when the child was born, and then lived there for a while with it.

7. Mythology is completely off limits: Roman, Greek, Norse — I don't care. You don't get to name your baby after a god. I don't want to be meet any little kids named "Hero," "Zeus," "Juno," "Thor," "Oden," etc. You are just setting them up for failure. 

8. Character traits: This one is tricky, as some can be very pretty. But if you name your baby "Grace" or "Joy" she is going to be klutzy or depressed. "Hope," "Peace," really, any of the Fruits of the Spirit are just asking for trouble. And if it's a holiday, you are forbidden to name your kid after it. So a Valentine's baby can't be named "Cupid" or "Love" and Christmas babies shouldn't be named "Holly." OK?

Acceptable sources for baby names include:

The calendar: Yes, I realize that most calendar months were named after gods/goddesses, but "April" and "May" are acceptable baby names. Days of the week can also be OK (aka "Wednesday,"), however, my husband is concerned this will lead to douche-bag guys who want to see if they can bang a girl with every month/day of the week name. Consider the risks.

Gemstones:  Opal and Ruby are fine names. I don't know how I feel about such things as "Sapphire" or "Emerald" or even "Diamond." Remember the ridicule factor when choosing.

Flowers: Most flowers are perfectly fine baby girl names, with the possible exception of the sunflower, daffodil and tulip. But, "Rose," "Holly" (with exception, above) "Viola," even "Dahlia" is OK. Don't even bother with chrysanthemum. [Tara's note: No, DO bother with Chrysanthemum!]

Places: Now, places is tough. Some state names can really back up on you. There are some guidelines: For instance, if you live in either North or South Dakota, don't name your baby "Dakota." That's just rude. But many states were named for actual people (women, in particular), so "Georgia" is fine, "Caroline," is a nice variation. "Phoenix" has been done, but be careful because you're dipping into mythology there. 

Literature/Pop culture: But do try not to be too obvious. For instance, if your spouse is a huge Edgar Allan Poe fan (as mine is), naming your first born Edgar Allan is probably setting the kid up for suicide. But, you can still get the reference in by naming your girl "Annabelle," (something we are considering).

Literature caveat: Be cautious about naming your child after pop-culture phenomena. You may love "Twilight," but your little girl is going to be in school with 50 other little "Bellas" and "Isabellas." Just say no. At least 30 years needs to have passed before the name is acceptable, unless it is very unusual: For example, if you name your daughter Leia, everyone will know you are a Star Wars freak. It is never acceptable to name your child after video games or Disney characters.

The Bible: Holy literature is always a great source for names. "Rebecca," "David," "Daniel," "Noah," all classics. But, don't name your daughter "Delilah" or "Jezebel." Yes, it's pretty, and yes the White Tees song is great, but you're going to give her a complex if you name her after a bad person in the Bible. Likewise, naming your son "Solomon" may be too much pressure.

Editor's note: If you or your baby already has one of the above forbidden names — we apologize that you are offended. But these are our rules. You maintain the right to name your kid whatever you want. We reserve the right to tease you behind your back. Also, you know, this is mostly just being funny ...